Thanks for nothing

For some unknown reason, I am unable to take a compliment or overtures of gratitude. People will tell me "nice shirt" or “good job” and I will think they are being sarcastic or I may feel as if they are patronizing me. And yet sometimes I get annoyed that I did something so well and all they give me is a “congrats” for my good work. Please, don't waste my time.

I could do something so insignificant and someone goes out of his way to express their appreciation or recognition of my accomplishment. I view this as an unnecessary gesture and thank them for it. In reality I think that whatever it is I had done isn't that good. It isn't worthy of praise or commendation. I'm irked that they either have a decidedly low expectation of me or I may see it is a jab. Either way, I feel as if I'm not held in high esteem.

To have my efforts regarded as exceptional is my goal. However, I want that to be my standard. If something is expected, it's not singled out regularly. Abnormal, unique, or noteworthy actions are what gets public attention. To have what I often view as common achievements or actions pointed out for applause, telegraphs to me that people are not accustomed to me presenting outstanding works. I just smile and thank them for the acknowledgment.

Part of the anxiety I feel in social settings is from peer to peer exchanges. I realize that effective teamwork constitutes consistent congratulatory behavior. That it behooves one to express gratitude and oral appreciation of others. Good morale requires frequent affection to be showered upon you. I get that. But I just don't know how to respond very well to “nice work” or “good job”  “I can tell you worked hard on that” or "nice edit."  I usually just say, “thanks” or “uh huh.” I'm uneasy and surely I make others uncomfortable with my responses.

Ironically, I'm not averse to giving out a compliment to others. I'm not completely devoid of the ability to exchange rudimentary pleasantries. While I never do this ironically, I'm often doing it for my selfish reasons. I want people to think I'm a good guy. This undoubtedly contributes to my suspicion that it's often done to me. I mean it when I say it most times. I just want to be nice when I do it. I try to be sincere, but I'm sure those efforts are transparent.

The ultimate insanity in all things is when I feel that an “attaboy” is merited yet goes unsatisfied. I grow curt and short when my contributions are unheralded. I am aware that I'd be annoyed when such trivial frivolities are handed out like candy, but it's the effort that is craved.

It's an unwinnable situation I find myself in. I crave the adoration but find it contemptuous. All I want is more. Give me nothing. I want people to appreciate me but to keep their mouths shut. Perhaps a simple nod in my direction would suffice? Who knows, I'd probably question those motives as well.

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I always loved this picture of me. 1982

If I had to pick a single song to be the soundtrack to this post it would be...