Letters

Her name was Dawn. She had shoulder length hair and a love of the outdoors. Particularly of the swings on the playground at Stephenson Elementary. She was my first girlfriend. We met at recess on said playground. We were in head start together. We didn't have the same class, but we had recess. At least for that day.

This would have been one of the first days of school. The weather was perfect. Not too hot. We both wore t shirts and jeans. We played exclusively with each other for that half hour. We sat on neighboring swings pumping our legs in unison. We went down the slide (back when they were metal). It was bliss. I looked forward to playing with her everyday. Maybe even one day holding hands. We were gonna be recess pals for the next thirteen years.

The next day I ran onto the playground only to discover Dawn was playing with Gary. Gary!? I only remember his name as Gary because he was best friends with Larry. Because their names rhymed. Seriously. And I was seriously crushed. If I knew what a whore was, that's what I would have been thinking. I didn't cry but I was sure sad. I sat on a swing and pumped all by myself.

I flew solo for a very long time after that. I wasted enough time on women I thought. In the 4^th or 5^th grade Candace moved to Bonham. She was in my class and often in my dreams. She had long straight brown hair and was super perfect. She was the sweetest thing. I wrote a note for her. It had generic gushy stuff. I don't remember the exact contents of my note, but here's the gist of it:

Dear Candace,
I like you very much. It makes me happy to see you. I am glad you are in my class. Would you be my girlfriend? YES NO

Pretty friggin romantic if you ask me. Of course I never worked up the nerve to give it to her. I never even worked up the nerve to bring the note to school. I kept it in my top dresser drawer. And it stayed there for years.

I wish I could say it remained there undisturbed, but somebody discovered it. Not mom or even my sister. It was a friend named Stephanie. Leeanne's daughter. My sister would often babysit her. I guess she was going through my stuff in my room and found it. She thought it was funny but encouraged me to give it to Candace. I begged her not to tell. To the best of my knowledge she kept her word not to.

In the seventh grade I auditioned for and got the role of the king in a one-act-play called the Happy Scarecrow. This would be my first play since landing the coveted role as Shepherd #2 in a church Christmas pageant in 1^st or 2^nd grade. I had never kissed a girl not named Mom or Oma. Now I would be kissing Kcee everyday during play rehearsal and in our final performance in front of the whole school. You can say Kcee was pretty, probably one of the cutest girls in the entire school. And she was an older woman to boot—in the eighth grade!

I had to wear tights, that was the only real drawback. And our kiss was me placing my lips on top of hers, reaching across her body and placing my left hand on her right shoulder. Move around my head for ten or fifteen seconds. Not exactly making out, but close enough. Probably looked like a robot, but whatever. After the performance I got some high fives and some people teased me asking about cleavage, whatever that was. Kcee was super nice and the whole cast bonded, at least for our short time together, so I wasn't all that comfortable demeaning her, but I didn't exactly speak out of course. I was a hero to some guys, wasn't going to ruin it.

My longtime best friend Bryce and I spent a lot of time together. Especially in the summer. By time we were in Junior High he lived in a house down by Lake Bonham. His neighbor to his east was a girl named Andrea. She was a couple years older than us. She was in high school. We were in Bryce's room playing poker or something. Some game where when you lose you strip. A couple 13-year-old boys and a 16 year old girl. This was pretty amazing. Bryce and I were down to our tighty whities and she was only missing a shirt. But damn, she was in her bra. We ended up bored and snuck out of the house, headed down toward the dock by Mr. Romine's pond. The dock was a tall structure, kind of two stories tall. It had a swing for jumping into the lake. Bryce had a set of balls on him and decided to skinny dip. I chose to remain modest and remained in my underwear. Andrea jumped in in her bra and panties. This was like the coolest thing ever.

I was in the eighth grade at Bryce's house when I got a phone call. For me? It was a seventh grade girl named Angie. I guess she got my number from the phone book or from somebody that knew me or something? And maybe from there she got Bryce's phone number from my mom. I don't know. Bryce had rented a Sega Genesis game or something and we were playing. She said hi and asked if I would like to, “Go out with” her. I told her yes. “Ok, bye”. I said bye back. We hung up and I announced to Bryce and his mom Connie, “I guess I have a girlfriend now.” Bryce said something like, “Cool” and we kept playing our game. A day or so later she called me and broke up with me. Ok, cool. I wasn't going to let her cut in on my weekend time. That was sacred time with my best friend. Video games and being up to no good. Know the hierarchy. Respect the hierarchy.

Later in the school year one of Angie's best friends through back channel communications ended up asking me to go out with her. I said “yes”. Man, landing women is this easy? I literally did NOTHING and kept attracting girls. Anna was cute and nice enough. Why not?

Within a few weeks of being an item Anna was in my neighborhood. She was walking with her friend Melissa and her boyfriend. I think Melissa was two or three years older than I was. Anna gave me a necklace she thought I would like. I suffered from a case of being too honest. A bad bout of idiocy. I thanked her but told her I don't wear necklaces because they give my throat a rash. I kept the jewelry though and they were off. I didn't offer to walk with them, though I certainly had time, didn't have anything better to do. Anna would later give me a letter at school from Melissa's boyfriend. I read it and he told me that the gift was from her heart and I needed to not be so brutal to her. I needed to be cool. I was rude. I was thankful for the note. It's an issue I still struggle with at times.

Anna and I actually did things together. I found out that girls are actually more fun than boys. We lasted more than a three day weekend too. So that right there is an improvement. I was a grade above her, so our only class together was Advanced Band. Her family regularly attended Boyd Baptist Church and invited me to attend with them. I got to spend time with my girl. Absolutely I went to church. I rode on the church van her step-father drove and even managed to get her in trouble by being a little too familiar with her on the van. 

Nearly every Saturday night I spent with her at Angie's house. This obviously coincided with me drifting farther from my best friend of 5 years Bryce. Saturdays and Sundays with my girl meant no more weekends being up to no good with my bro. It was worth it, short term at least. Angie's mom left us alone in their TV room. For like three hours. Just her daughter, her boyfriend JC, Anna and myself. We would rent movies and eat pizza and would just make out for the whole three hours almost. That's pretty intense. I started getting blue balls for the first time in my life. That hurt so bad and I had no idea why.

I remember talking them into renting the sixth Nightmare on Elm street movie, Wes Craven's New Nightmare. I completely intended on watching this, I really really wanted to see this movie. We saw none of it. It played in the VCR in the background while we engaged in non-stop face sucking. This predated Adult Swim, but after the movies ended, we'd end up putting the TV on Cartoon Network for some Space Ghost: Coast to Coast. That show was off the wall. We actually caught some of that.

We had a great thing. I genuinely liked her. I loved spending time with her. We got along great. I loved holding her hands, going to High School football games with her, and making out was great of course. Why did it end? Because I was an asshole. I was embarrassed and shallow. Valentine's Day was coming around the corner. I was afraid to ask my parents for money to buy her something. I was afraid if they gave me money, I wouldn't be able to get anything good. I was afraid of looking like a cheapskate (ask my wife and I'm certain she'd say I've changed 100% now). I didn't want her to think I thought too little of her. I was embarrassed and ashamed. How the hell does that make sense? I wrote a letter and left it in her locker for her to find later on. I had no balls. The contents of the letter? Something like this:

Dear Anna,
I like you a lot and have a lot of fun, but it just wasn't meant to be. 

That was cruel, cold and cowardly. I heard about her crying after reading the letter. I felt so bad, I felt like a douche bag. But hey, at least I didn't hurt her feelings by getting her something lame. Now I would get her nothing. What a joke.

I didn't see anybody for a couple years after that. I was a sophomore and Anna was back in my life. We went out a time or two as friends. The last time we went out as friends was at a Christmas party at Karibeth's boyfriend's house. Karibeth was one of Anna's best friends. She acted in a few plays I took part in so I knew her a little as well. I forget what I gave Anna but I remember that she got me the Matchbox 20 Yourself or Someone Like You CD. Unlike in 8^th grade, I learned the value of lying to make others feel good. I told her I loved that band, they had that...um...one song that I liked. I drove her home at the conclusion of the gathering. We talked and agreed that we loved spending time together again. We both thought it would be a great idea to be exclusive again.

We started going to church again and any chance we could get, we had make out sessions. Sometimes I even grabbed boob. Over the shirt of course, I was a gentleman. And honestly, afraid to suffer the wrath of a hard slap to the face or knee to the groin. My 1989 red Ford Escort, named Whorehouse Red, ended up with a pinto seat because of her. She would sit in my car with her back up against the dash and feet against the upper back of the passenger seat while we spoke face to face. The seat back eventually broke and always sagged back, you couldn't sit up in that seat, it was always reclined. If you rode shotgun in ol' Whorehouse Red, you laid down as we rode around.

I still struggled to show affection. At least publicly. We were doing a play together. I was in the crew and she had a role in the play Effects of Gamma Rays on Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds. Anna, Karibeth and others were actors in the play. I was prop-master and costume master and maybe did some sound as well. Mariana Terry acted in the play too. She had directed me a few years prior in a play called To Absent Friends. That play was a bit of a disaster. We had two performances. One for my school and one at night for friends and family. We had a foreign exchange student from Germany in the lead role (German accent and all). The whole play he is in a hospital bed. He had problems memorizing his lines, so he got to have the script in his lap where nobody could see it. Somebody, not me, managed to forget his line. I grabbed a magazine off the set and sat down on a chair. I was the only junior high kid in the play, I was gonna let them work it out. Eventually he picked up his line and we finished. Surprisingly not a single person in my school mentioned the play to me.

Anyway, we were gathered outside the rehearsal stage at the VA auditorium waiting for somebody to unlock the doors to let us in. Mariana said, “and by the way I didn't know that Jeremy and Annafurnette were dating!” I was embarrassed. Not that it got out, but that it was “in”. I never held her hand or hugged her in front of people. What was up with that? Anna was a good looking girl and sweet and should have been proud to make claim on her publicly. I loved and adored her and was thrilled being with her yet I didn't act like it.

We saw Titanic in the theaters. This was probably the only movie we actually watched. Of course, she was only allowed to go if we took her brother Robert with us. He didn't sit near us, but we acted all proper and everything. I didn't really like the movie, though I suppose it was awesome when that one guy was falling and hit the propeller thing.

Valentine's day came up and I was not going to repeat my mistake from two years before. I got money from my parents and got Anna a gift. I got her a necklace from Walmart. It probably cost about $25. My sister gave me the idea of putting the chain in a green jeweler's box from Germany. I gave her the gift and she loved it. I was driving her home with my little brother Johnathan in the back seat. She commented about how much she loved the necklace and mentioned it being from Germany. My brother started to chime in. He knew I got it from Walmart. I said loudly as soon as I could, “Johnathan! How was school?” quickly shutting him down. Changed the subject too.

My brother was so obnoxious.  He is eight years younger than me.  Anytime Anna, or anybody really, came over he was there right on my ass.  One time she was at my house and I wanted to hang out with her alone but my brother was being the typical little brother. He kept wanting to talk to her and just would not leave my damn room. I finally told her she should leave because the pest was not letting up. She left and walked home. Alone. Why the hell did I not walk her home?  Because my brother would follow?  So what? Time spent with her still would have been time spent with her.

A few days later at school I entered the room that housed all the theater props, set pieces and costumes. It was just Anna in there. I think she was trying to design her set for a monologue she was going to perform from the Golden Girls. I had done this a year before for the Glass Menagerie. She called me over and kindly told me she needed to move on. She had stuff going on and couldn't see anybody right now. I calmly told her okay and went to leave. She asked for a hug and I obliged. She had the balls to dump me to my face. I still didn't have any. I didn't ask why? What's going on? How can I help? I'm here for you baby. None of that. I went home and did nothing. I listened to “Crestfallen” by the Smashing Pumpkins over and over. Maybe 40 times. The music was absolutely perfect for how I felt. At the time the lyrics weren't right though. But now I realize I was to blame, I loved her but did a poor job of showing it. And I didn't share myself completely. Hell, to this day it's difficult for me to open up, but I'm night and day better than I was. And I was lazy. I didn't make effort to...be the prince she deserved. A character flaw proven in her final act in kicking me to the curb.

Crestfallen

TheSmashing Pumpkins

Who am I to need you when I'm down 

Where are you when I need you around 

Your life is not your own

And all I ask you 

Is for another chance 

Another way around you 

To live by circumstance, once again

Who am I to need you now 

To ask you why to tell you no 

To deserve your love and sympathy 

You were never meant to belong to me

And you may go, but I know you won't leave 

Too many years built into memories 

Your life is not your own

Who am I to need you now 

To ask you why to tell you no 

To deserve your love and sympathy 

You were never meant to belong to me

Who am I to you? 

Along the way 

I lost my faith

And as you were, you'll be again 

To mold like clay, to break like dirt 

To tear me up in your sympathy 

You were never meant to belong to me 

You were never meant to belong to me 

You were never meant to belong to me

Who am I?

Songwriters: William Patrick Corgan

Crestfallen lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

I would not have an official girlfriend again until I met my wife seven or eight years later. There were girls I would go out with a handful of times, or make a mistake with once or twice. But nothing lasting.

In Burger King that summer, I went out with Brianne a few times. I remember the only time I walked out of a movie because it was so bad as during Dr. Dolittle. It was so terrible. She wore these jeans from time to time and her butt looked good in them, she knew it too. She asked me (maybe after catching me staring at her caboose) if her butt looked alright in them. I answered in the affirmative. She would occasionally sing the lyrics to Paula Cole's “I don't want to wait” and it was really cute. Okay, if I wasn't interested in her, it would have been annoying, but at the time I liked it.

So open up your morning light

And say a little prayer for I

You know that if we are to stay alive

Then see the peace in every eye...

I don't want to wait, for our lives to be over...

Songwriters: Paula Cole

I Don't Want to Wait lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

We went out a couple other times, the last time was was me meeting her and her friend (I have no recollection at all what her name was) and her boyfriend at Coffee Mill Lake. She ended the possibility of carrying on the relationship further and the night ended with me getting my first ticket.

I went the rest of my high school career without seeing any other girls. I was set to go to prom the next spring, but medical issues forced me to cancel plans. The next prom? I didn't even make plans, I needed to work and save money, not spend it.

College was definitely a good 3 ½ years of my life. I hit it hard and graduated early with pretty good grades, made the Dean's list about half the time. I essentially worked full time the entirety of my post secondary education. I went out a lot less but did manage a handful of nights with three different girls. That's a post for another time though. I will write about college sometime in the future. There was Samantha, the first Jewish person I ever knew. Bonham didn't exactly have a thriving semitic population. With her I realized I have an issue of correcting people when they are wrong, or at least when I feel they need to be corrected. There was Tabitha. She sat in front of me in my English 102 class. I often got mesmerized by her shiny maroon panties. Somehow I managed to get an A in that class. With her I learned that I talk about myself too much. My screwed up empathy meter always turns conversations around about how I relate to somebody, somehow making their story or problem or whatever about me. Jamie was the first (and last older woman until my wife) that I went out with. The first time since Anna that I actually ended it completely on my own. I guess I don't want to hang out with smokers, I grew up with that shit and hate it.

After college I got a job in Sherman, Texas working for KXII. My friends John, Nick and Jeffrey all lived in the area. Nick had mentioned that a girl that was in our grade in school, Jennifer, had seen him at a doctors office or something. I think it may have been a dialysis center or something. They were there with family. I took this opportunity to have Nick invite her over to my place. John and Jeffrey would come over as well. I was hosting a screening of the classic Bubba Hotep.

Nick, John and I had seen it in college and it was amazing. Based on a Joe R Lansdale story, the king of mojo. This movie oozed with awesomeness. John didn't make it because he got called into a brand new job he had gotten. So four of us watched horror-comedy schlock. As Jeffrey and Nick left I cornered Jennifer and asked her if she would like to go out and to get her number.

Jennifer was a girl from school I had always liked. I never had the nerve to tell her in school and now I was going to take the opportunity to right a wrong. I remember in school she was by herself on a spring free day on the playground across from our middle school LH Rather. She was sitting and making a crown or tiara out of daisy weed. That fascinated me. I don't really know why that was something that stuck with me but it did. Maybe it was this girl who I felt had a good soul making something so elegant and beautiful from nature with her hands.

We went to see the movie The Day After Tomorrow. I think this was Memorial Day weekend. The movie was playing at a theater in Sherman. We had 20 or 30 minutes to chat on the way to see the movie. Nice boring conversation. I don't remember if we grabbed food on the way in or not. I even did the stupid cutesy thing thing of bumping in to her while we walked in the parking lot. Nothing memorable about the movie. Just standard blockbuster disaster fair. After the movie she got a call on her phone. There was an emergency and I took her to the ER at Wilson N Jones Hospital. Her father was there. She went in as I hung back in the waiting room. Probably read a magazine. This was a few years before I had a cell phone. Many years before getting a smart phone. She came out ready to go home. I assured her it was okay to stay longer. I didn't mind waiting. She told me it was okay, we could leave. I took her to my house where she had left her car. I made the lame move and ended up giving a bland untimely peck on her lips. Was not mutual.

The next time we hung out I drove to her place, she too was living with her dad. I met him and from what little we saw and said, he was a nice enough man. Jennifer and I ended up just talking about bullshit while she played a video game. She liked games and wanted to go to school and design games or something. She didn't seem to care that I was there so at some point I eventually decided to tell her goodbye and I left. This was very similar to my “relationship” with Angie back in the eighth grade with video games being more interesting than a person.

A week later I called and got no answer. I left a voice mail saying I was down to hang out whenever, just give me a call. About a month or so later I had moved into my own apartment in Sherman. I decided to give her another call. Once again no answer. I left another voicemail saying let's hangout and that I had my own place now. Once again she never called me back. I was more annoyed at the lack of correspondence than anything. No more reaching out for me. She may have had personal things going on or didn't have time, I don't know. Maybe I still suffered from all the the personality issues I had been plagued with in all my relationships? She may have had no interest in me at all and didn't want to tell me. She may have gotten with another guy? Who knows? I got the hint. Too bad, I would have totally been okay just being friends, I don't have too many of those. I moved on, I wasn't that invested and didn't have time to pursue somebody that had no interest.

Within eight months, I got a job in Tulsa 200 miles away. I planned on working there two years and moving back to Texas. I'd end up in Dallas or Houston. About a year later though I got a message on Myspace from somebody named “Kharlita”. I looked at the message and all my plans would change.

###

Irresistible me circa 1998.

If I had to pick a song to be the soundtrack to this post it would be...